Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
