you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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