yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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