I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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