Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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