don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
