awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
