Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
