Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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