his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
