How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
