Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
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i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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