Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We are all done wearing pants today
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
