Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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