Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
