Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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