i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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