When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
