You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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