So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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