see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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