Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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