I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
