Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
