i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
