I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
