the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
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I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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