I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
