Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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