I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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