I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
