So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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