i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
