I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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