I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
