I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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