Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
