Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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