I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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