You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
