so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
