i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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