he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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