Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
