I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
