Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
