I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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