I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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