dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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