please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
