I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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