he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
