i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize