everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
