so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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