All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
