we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
